Posted by Ralph | 5:57 PM

I thought that getting my grant and all my equipment was the greatest success of my life, so why am I not working, or even posting here? The awful truth is that even with all that success I was recently diagnosed with a serious depression problem. It's bi-polar manic depression to be exact.

Last week I was hospitalized for a few days with a stress related near heart attack, than an addititional week in the hospital's clinical psychiatric unit.

The psychiatrist has prescribed me two medications to treat my brain, Depakote and Symbiax and I have to start seeing a psychologist this week. Even with all the achievement I know that the depression is coming from some issues I'm having right now with my son.

Some say that "History is doomed to repeat itself" and right now is truth in my experience. I never knew my own father, only met him once in my whole life, and this scenario is being repeated with my own son. He's going to be 13 in November and I have never met him, in fact I didn't even know about him until 3 years after my spinal cord injury, when he was already 7 and his mother was being imprisoned for a heroin charge.

Since then he has been raised by his mother's parents and they are, to the best of my knowledge, really good people. Just a few months ago my eldest sister had an urge to go to church and she saw their names on the service pamphlet as Deacon's of this church. She approached them and spoke with them about this situation and found out that Jacob (my son) had started asking questions about me. The who, what and where's about my life. They live in Maine, I'm in Florida so the physical distance could not be much greater.

I have spent so many of these past years conflicted about what to do that my own mental well being is now shot to shit. My father was a drug addict and alcoholic (death by DUI), his father was an alcoholic (death by liver cirrohsis) and his mother is a junkie. I'm a cripple and I had thought that by getting my grant and starting to be productive I could enter his life positively. Not having a father of my own I have no idea how to be one I guess I thought leaving him with his grandparents was the best thing for him.

Now I want him, but I can't physically take care of myself, my lawyer is giving me hell about going to an inpatient rehabilitation hospital and the house of cards is falling. I'm telling this to you all to let you know that I'm not giving up, I'm going to continue until I get my shit in order than I think all will be well.

Wish me luck

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